My story is not for the religious or the atheistic or the agnostic... it is for everyone interested in the truth. This blog contains first drafts of poetry and prose for my series of books on Christ, the first of which, Waking Up Jesus, is being greeted kindly by critics. Thank you... John Scott Ridgway
WAKING UP JESUS...
We come into this life expecting too much and leave expecting too little
Sunday, April 24, 2005
VARIIOUS ENTRIES ON AN APRIL MORN
ENTRY 1
JUST WHERE THE HELL HAVE I BEEN?
Twilight Of The Gods blasts through the apartment. Buk the gray tiger is rolled up into a ball on the back of the black leather couch, a sunbeam on his back warming him and making his fur glow white. The temperature outside the window is staying around a loathsome 50 degrees, belying the sunny looking neighborhood filled with tulips and other early flowerers. The wind is tunneling through the alley beside our apartment, blasting a wind chill below zero into spring wardrobes.
A virus knocked me off line last weekend – or so someone at the sbc phone company told me for 60.00 last Monday. He couldn’t fix anything, even if he knew how – they only work on their equipment. I won’t even speculate much about what is wrong… if anyone knows how to lower my CPU’s, which are supposed to be around 6% but are now jumping up to 80 or whatever? Please let me know. I am probably going to have to take it in and get it fixed. I don’t have the money to dothis, or to go buy some protection software for my pc. So, if you emailed me and think me rude, well, despite your being correct, this is not why I did not return your much pleeeeeasing missives.
ENTRY TWO
THINK POSITIVE? YEAH, RIGHT…. YOU FUCKING MARK!!!
PUT DOWN THAT DAMN SELF HELP BOOK, all it will give you is WORDS TO EXTEND YOUR WHINING WITH. GET A LOVER, A CLEAN APARTMENT, ENOUGH MONEY TO LIVE ON, A COUPLE PETS AND A FEW FRIENDS AND YOU WILL BE FUCKING FINE….. even one or two of these things would probably be an improvement for some of us, me included of course, because I really, really…. Suck.
ENTRY THREE
I NEED THREE CATS AND TWO DOGS AND LIKE EVERYONE AROUND ME SEEMS TO THINK, THIS DOES NOT IN ITSELF MAKE ME INSANE.
I dreamt last night that I had become a criminal and was carrying a gun. I was driving and thinking about how now I was free of all of societies rules and could just rob to get my money, that I was leaving all my family and friends behind to travel from town to town just doing whatever the fuck I wanted. I won’t bore you with any more details than this, but suffice to say the point of someone feeling alone is the THESIS STATEMENT that I am going to meander around for a while.
Being alone, PBS’s Nature told me this morning, is the worst thing for a wolf. I live with a dog that is about as near to a wolf as you can get, a Siberian Husky with clear blues that tend to scare some people, and know just how much she has to be a part of any goings on in the apartment. If we have guests over, she has guests over. If we are eating, she is sitting at our feet expecting to be treated. Most of the time she stays in the same room as us, curled up sleepily on the floor, or chewing on something or coming up to us with a tennis ball in her mouth that she wants to fetch for awhile.
Aloneness is unnatural with Humans, as well
DIGRESSION: By the way, if this non-hamster prose is boring you, don’t worry, this writing will be all about you in the end, not me, the writer, and we all know that you specifically are the center of the cosmos.
Return to Thesis Generated Prose.
I have been thinking a lot about this since one of my cats died, leaving behind his brother who he has been with since he was born. Science convinced me that I should raise them together so they had someone around to ‘talk cat’ with. So they would not be lonely, like a kitten who cries at the door whenever you have to leave them alone.
The dog has created the same concern in me since the day she came in the door and licked me and M.’s hands to say hello, then promptly chased the cats into the dining room. Dominance in another trait she gets from being a near wolf. If someone does not dominate her, she will assume that she is the dominant one. I seldom pull rank on her, of course.
We used to take her to a friends house to play with her two huskies three or four times a week. Whenever we even started going the way toward the house, Ruby became a pulling machine, her every muscle straining against the leash, jerking your arm out of socket… making you grab the leash with two hands, like they say to do with Huskies, because they are stubborn and wild enough that sometimes if they don’t agree with your opinion, they will go with their own. And getting to her Huskies buddies to play as fast as possible consumed her… When she sees another dog while she is out walking, she always tries to go play with them. As much as possible, I let her. But since her breed just runs off in front of cars and shit if you let them off their leash, the dogs leashes get all tangled sometimes. And you never know if the other dog owner will get all freaked out by this – like the dogs, I could care less whether I have to untangle the leashes of a couple dogs, but some people I have run into here act like they are going coronary on me over this.
I have come to the conclusion that we need another dog, as well as two kittens (two because a kitten will have too much energy for Buk, who will be 12 years older and more mellowed -- though I usually prescribe to the philosophy that anything over two cats is a form of madness). M. Won’t let me get them, of course… though she in reality wants more animals bad enough that I think if I come home with a couple kittens some afternoon that she will take one look at them and hold them dear forever more, even though she insists that she will throw me and the kittens out into the street.
The modern dilemmas of this life are endless. Still, better to be subtly trying to work ones way through one situation at a time then impose a black and white world over all the pretty, pretty colors. If I was a black and whiter, I am pretty sure I would be white, and this would have cost me over a hundred women and countless fun and crazy times… as well as headaches, drunken embarrassments, O.D.’s, etc…
So I guess I will have to conform enough to leave both of my animals a bit lonely. The thought is terrible to me. A gut wrencher. Like the other night when I was watching the news, and a light hearted report came on about cows getting released on the highway after a semi accident. They showed all these images of beautiful animals lounging in the grass serenely chewing their cud and what not. Laughing, the reporter ended his spiel with, “The cows were on their way to the slaughterhouse.”
My love of animals makes me, as I wrote recently, a reluctant carnivore. This report made me envision the half-pound of hamburger in my refrigerator as one of the gorgeous beasts. I guess I could look at the positive side and say, “Well, Mr. Pain, perhaps your animals – both of whom you rescued from being ‘put to sleep,’ are a hell of a lot better off than those cows.”
Jesus H. Cross!!!! This is why I hate people who are ‘positive thinkers.’ That is so intellectually lazy and socially irresponsible that I won’t even consider positive thinking anymore. Pumping oneself up with a mental sales pitch, or trying to give some nice mental spin to something like lowering the quality of life of some very beloved animals, is vacuous cheerleading in my way of thinking. To ignore the pain in the world and try to be the Prince who never feels his people’s wounds, would make you a potential Buddha who would never end up under experiencing ‘nirvana.’
Well, the thesis statement may have seemed to have gotten away from me in this entry… let me just add then, as way of summing up this atrocious pudding of words, that loneliness is at the heart of this work, mine, yours, the dogs and the cats…. So there, you fucking English teacher in my head with a knuckle busting ruler, I got back to the thesis at the end…
ENTRY 4
I AM DROPPING MY COMPUTER
OFF AT THE QUEST INTERNET CAFÉ
To be repaired today. FUCKING VIRUS GENERATING GEEKS ARE AS BAD AS THE CHILD SEEKING CYBER-PERV.’S!!!!! So, I will have to write by hand for the next four days, and obviously will not be on the net. They are going to charge me 65.00 to remove a Trojan horse virus from my computer. C:\WINNT\ISRVS\SYSUPD.DCL….
I hope to dog I can one day CHOKE THE LIFE OUT of the fucking geek who came up with this one. Only a supremely malicious coward would send a virus out into the public domains of the internet to just fuck with people. OR WHATEVER GODDAMNED REASON THEY CAME UP WITH IN THEIR DELUSIONAL LITTLE BRAINS….
Though I must admit, it is the opinion of the leader of the Mighty Hamster army, General Sniggly-Poo, that we are under cyber attack and should send out the troops… I am hesitant yet to release that storm on humanity, though I am close… very, very close. Really.
JUST WHERE THE HELL HAVE I BEEN?
Twilight Of The Gods blasts through the apartment. Buk the gray tiger is rolled up into a ball on the back of the black leather couch, a sunbeam on his back warming him and making his fur glow white. The temperature outside the window is staying around a loathsome 50 degrees, belying the sunny looking neighborhood filled with tulips and other early flowerers. The wind is tunneling through the alley beside our apartment, blasting a wind chill below zero into spring wardrobes.
A virus knocked me off line last weekend – or so someone at the sbc phone company told me for 60.00 last Monday. He couldn’t fix anything, even if he knew how – they only work on their equipment. I won’t even speculate much about what is wrong… if anyone knows how to lower my CPU’s, which are supposed to be around 6% but are now jumping up to 80 or whatever? Please let me know. I am probably going to have to take it in and get it fixed. I don’t have the money to dothis, or to go buy some protection software for my pc. So, if you emailed me and think me rude, well, despite your being correct, this is not why I did not return your much pleeeeeasing missives.
ENTRY TWO
THINK POSITIVE? YEAH, RIGHT…. YOU FUCKING MARK!!!
PUT DOWN THAT DAMN SELF HELP BOOK, all it will give you is WORDS TO EXTEND YOUR WHINING WITH. GET A LOVER, A CLEAN APARTMENT, ENOUGH MONEY TO LIVE ON, A COUPLE PETS AND A FEW FRIENDS AND YOU WILL BE FUCKING FINE….. even one or two of these things would probably be an improvement for some of us, me included of course, because I really, really…. Suck.
ENTRY THREE
I NEED THREE CATS AND TWO DOGS AND LIKE EVERYONE AROUND ME SEEMS TO THINK, THIS DOES NOT IN ITSELF MAKE ME INSANE.
I dreamt last night that I had become a criminal and was carrying a gun. I was driving and thinking about how now I was free of all of societies rules and could just rob to get my money, that I was leaving all my family and friends behind to travel from town to town just doing whatever the fuck I wanted. I won’t bore you with any more details than this, but suffice to say the point of someone feeling alone is the THESIS STATEMENT that I am going to meander around for a while.
Being alone, PBS’s Nature told me this morning, is the worst thing for a wolf. I live with a dog that is about as near to a wolf as you can get, a Siberian Husky with clear blues that tend to scare some people, and know just how much she has to be a part of any goings on in the apartment. If we have guests over, she has guests over. If we are eating, she is sitting at our feet expecting to be treated. Most of the time she stays in the same room as us, curled up sleepily on the floor, or chewing on something or coming up to us with a tennis ball in her mouth that she wants to fetch for awhile.
Aloneness is unnatural with Humans, as well
DIGRESSION: By the way, if this non-hamster prose is boring you, don’t worry, this writing will be all about you in the end, not me, the writer, and we all know that you specifically are the center of the cosmos.
Return to Thesis Generated Prose.
I have been thinking a lot about this since one of my cats died, leaving behind his brother who he has been with since he was born. Science convinced me that I should raise them together so they had someone around to ‘talk cat’ with. So they would not be lonely, like a kitten who cries at the door whenever you have to leave them alone.
The dog has created the same concern in me since the day she came in the door and licked me and M.’s hands to say hello, then promptly chased the cats into the dining room. Dominance in another trait she gets from being a near wolf. If someone does not dominate her, she will assume that she is the dominant one. I seldom pull rank on her, of course.
We used to take her to a friends house to play with her two huskies three or four times a week. Whenever we even started going the way toward the house, Ruby became a pulling machine, her every muscle straining against the leash, jerking your arm out of socket… making you grab the leash with two hands, like they say to do with Huskies, because they are stubborn and wild enough that sometimes if they don’t agree with your opinion, they will go with their own. And getting to her Huskies buddies to play as fast as possible consumed her… When she sees another dog while she is out walking, she always tries to go play with them. As much as possible, I let her. But since her breed just runs off in front of cars and shit if you let them off their leash, the dogs leashes get all tangled sometimes. And you never know if the other dog owner will get all freaked out by this – like the dogs, I could care less whether I have to untangle the leashes of a couple dogs, but some people I have run into here act like they are going coronary on me over this.
I have come to the conclusion that we need another dog, as well as two kittens (two because a kitten will have too much energy for Buk, who will be 12 years older and more mellowed -- though I usually prescribe to the philosophy that anything over two cats is a form of madness). M. Won’t let me get them, of course… though she in reality wants more animals bad enough that I think if I come home with a couple kittens some afternoon that she will take one look at them and hold them dear forever more, even though she insists that she will throw me and the kittens out into the street.
The modern dilemmas of this life are endless. Still, better to be subtly trying to work ones way through one situation at a time then impose a black and white world over all the pretty, pretty colors. If I was a black and whiter, I am pretty sure I would be white, and this would have cost me over a hundred women and countless fun and crazy times… as well as headaches, drunken embarrassments, O.D.’s, etc…
So I guess I will have to conform enough to leave both of my animals a bit lonely. The thought is terrible to me. A gut wrencher. Like the other night when I was watching the news, and a light hearted report came on about cows getting released on the highway after a semi accident. They showed all these images of beautiful animals lounging in the grass serenely chewing their cud and what not. Laughing, the reporter ended his spiel with, “The cows were on their way to the slaughterhouse.”
My love of animals makes me, as I wrote recently, a reluctant carnivore. This report made me envision the half-pound of hamburger in my refrigerator as one of the gorgeous beasts. I guess I could look at the positive side and say, “Well, Mr. Pain, perhaps your animals – both of whom you rescued from being ‘put to sleep,’ are a hell of a lot better off than those cows.”
Jesus H. Cross!!!! This is why I hate people who are ‘positive thinkers.’ That is so intellectually lazy and socially irresponsible that I won’t even consider positive thinking anymore. Pumping oneself up with a mental sales pitch, or trying to give some nice mental spin to something like lowering the quality of life of some very beloved animals, is vacuous cheerleading in my way of thinking. To ignore the pain in the world and try to be the Prince who never feels his people’s wounds, would make you a potential Buddha who would never end up under experiencing ‘nirvana.’
Well, the thesis statement may have seemed to have gotten away from me in this entry… let me just add then, as way of summing up this atrocious pudding of words, that loneliness is at the heart of this work, mine, yours, the dogs and the cats…. So there, you fucking English teacher in my head with a knuckle busting ruler, I got back to the thesis at the end…
ENTRY 4
I AM DROPPING MY COMPUTER
OFF AT THE QUEST INTERNET CAFÉ
To be repaired today. FUCKING VIRUS GENERATING GEEKS ARE AS BAD AS THE CHILD SEEKING CYBER-PERV.’S!!!!! So, I will have to write by hand for the next four days, and obviously will not be on the net. They are going to charge me 65.00 to remove a Trojan horse virus from my computer. C:\WINNT\ISRVS\SYSUPD.DCL….
I hope to dog I can one day CHOKE THE LIFE OUT of the fucking geek who came up with this one. Only a supremely malicious coward would send a virus out into the public domains of the internet to just fuck with people. OR WHATEVER GODDAMNED REASON THEY CAME UP WITH IN THEIR DELUSIONAL LITTLE BRAINS….
Though I must admit, it is the opinion of the leader of the Mighty Hamster army, General Sniggly-Poo, that we are under cyber attack and should send out the troops… I am hesitant yet to release that storm on humanity, though I am close… very, very close. Really.
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