The ongoing story of Jesus waking up in Chicago, in the body of an agnostic writer,
who is nothing like the Son of God the right-wing Christians watching him expected.

You are welcome to share my work with a link bank... keep getting asked this...

Last time I was here, I told them I would not lead a revolution, that I was there to spread heresy. The crowds thinned. The day they killed me, I marched alone... This time I have returned to find Romes Soldiers Sleeping, content they have killed off the Troublesome Jew. I was surprised how bloody the Indiana boy became as my sword fell again and again ....

In the years since this story began in 2007, my secret fame has spread out from the halls of power that kept me secret all these years, as they waited for the Christ to finally wake up...

I try to imagine their anticipation.

Remember a dream I had in my twenties about running thru Chicago screaming that Christ was coming back, and man oh man was I happy... a cloud came through the middle of the skyscrapers above me, in the thin strip of blue above Dowtown State street, and I expected to see Christ... instead, just a bunch of musicians painted up like Ziggy stardust.

I surprised my keepers. They thought they had me figured out from the Bible. If that book could have told you everything, there would be no need at all for me.

Jesus: "I have become Known across this planet as a dangerous man with a growing force of hidden followers who value my orders more than life itself. A prophet of war. Once and future King in a court of shadows. Life and death in my hands every damn day. I ROAR, your most mighty shit themselves and run. I make myself a known threat, so I can try to negotiate what otherwise requires bullets and blood. I am here to free the enslaved in body and mind. I cannot be defeated. When the Will of God and The WILL OF THE PEOPLE ARE ONE, NO FORCE ON EARTH CAN STOP US!"


We come into this life expecting too much and leave expecting too little

Monday, April 11, 2005

guest columnist, Rupert Gilford Tuttle

Jesus is Buff and has a blond crew cut

Hello readers of the Elves Attic, and welcome to my new weekly column, where I hope to spread em wide for Christ!! I am very proud to introduce myself as Gilford Tuttle, white Christian warrior, savior of all white fetuses and follower of the one and true, well muscled and white, short, blonde haired Jesus H. Christ.

I am known throughout the greater Fort Wayne area as the first lay minister to object to the long haired, hippyed out versions of our Teutonic Deity, Jesus H. Christ. I am proud to say that I have in the works a t-shirt, which will show Our Son Of God as he was, is, and always shall be – with a short, blonde crew cut and a strong, manly physic. God is on our side, so we will destroy all the false images of Christ that show Him looking skinny and weak with the long, curling hair of a harlot.

A prophet at my church had a vision that Satan himself designed this demeaning view or Our lord and savior, and then inserted this blasphemous seed into homosexual artists by acts of sodomy. Yes, that prophet was me, too, though I don’t like to say because this is bragging; I was not top of my class, but like they said at the mail order seminary school where I paid 87.45, my handwriting is legible (don’t be afraid to look this word ‘legible’ up – I had to, and I am blessed by god, as my minister said, ‘with the ability to say words to other people’).

I wanted to use my first column here to make you aware of the Blonde, Buff Christ Almighty, who is said to have balls as big as mountains in heaven. In the course of the next few weeks, I am going to convert you. God has told me as much in my prayers, so this is written in stone. Let’s start by me repeating something that really woke them up in the pews on the day when I said this during open testimonials. “My Jesus is not a satanic, hippy, Jewish homosexual! No, not my Jesus.” This should be enough, I am told, to convert even the most devil riddled heathen, and that it does no speaks of the immense powers of the dark, skinny, long haired Satan!!!

Let me end this with the message that I had put on buttons to hand out to my Sunday school classes, and I urge you to do the same at your church (Jesus just told me that he will be very pissed if you don’t): GOD WANTS YOU TO SAY NO TO HIPPY SATANIC JEWISH HOMOSEXUAL JESUS OR HE IS GOING TO LET SATAN PAINFULLY ASS FUCK YOU FOR ALL ETERNITY.

Please go in peace,


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