The Holy Star

Every Christmas I come back to the facing the video I made one year saying that santa should kill all the bad kids. A joke taken dead serious.  Why was I surprised that people took me seriously?  I suppose because I had read others who wrote things like I had and saw no such reaction.  I did not know then what the secret societies were making of me, how elaborately the spies around me had planned the life of the coming king.. the angel... the mystery man who could bring heaven, could bring hell.....  Christ to many.

Slumber

winters  heavy slumber
silent heavy slumber
Christmas lights strung for our childhood memories
of a coming Santa

spark up that Christmas morning feeling whether we want it or not
when we notice, if we had one...

the older we get the more we love the credit card santa
giving and getting and eating and just saying hello more than often

science has proven that looking at bright lights
 can lift our moods

the research that got me started painting

selfishly enough

to sooth wounds that made the very air around me bleed

I am left writing my prison memoirs
wondering if i am a mandela or a manson?

general factor x .... x for chaos?

My visions are larger than I have been able to scribe
more than words can show
not a soundbite
too much for a sitcom
needs more fodder than a poem
more sides shown than a novel
an encyclopedia that connects every word ever into a story

I can my beginning before and after this flesh
know myself to be in this time a tattered travel to all that has been and will be
my freedom from this mission comes when it is done and once more
the will of God can come to me as the supreme surprise
the greatest gift of that Christmas Morn that represents more than man knows
though you sense the future, too
hard to know what you have not been taught..
our teacher awaits expecting clean slates to finally glory in the vision of his ways
to finally know
our sacrifices were for the good of others...
not the sins that the slivers of a life seem to show....
in the judgement of man the would be god

tattered traveler between times and places

a visitor to others stories

tells his own alone in mystery

free for all to see

i think again and again of the death of the revolutionaries

the protester's jailed and beaten

all over the planet

for all kinds of reasons

in the war against the progressive

THOSE WHO MADE IT

IN THE OLD WORLD

FEAR THE NEW

THEY PREFER TO HAVE

RATHER THAN HAVE NOT

HUMAN.... ALL TOO HUMAN

we will have less and less as the population blossoms

learn to live with it

less garbage and packaging and pompous sales packages

stream line what you need

hoard only words

the changes we see make the future understandable at least

tactical problems that can be approached without controversy

the war for justice will not be raged by armies

the war will be fought between those who make great wealth

exploiting the environment

and the rest of us

for 20 years we have ignored the scientists

I mean, what the hell.... no one died in a nuclear war

the clicking clock they move ominously toward midnight every year

saying the scientists believed we were this close to that big war

end of life

and doesn't every generation think the world is going to end?

all the ad hoc arguments that grow with our beer bellies

we barely take into account the nukes anymore

they are still nightmares out there

suicide bombers will get them if we don't play world cops

nuclear phallic symbols rising into the sky all over the world

left over bombs

from our years of fears

our propoganda spewed hatred

our idealogical wars

fought with very real blood

spies

lies

greed and bigots and dreamers and writers

we have the big bombs and can't use them to win a war

afganistan, iraq, pakistan, iran and whoever the hell else we are fighting here and there

can't use em

wouldn't do no good

just turn the entire world into our enemy

give Israel an excuse to pop off a couple nukes of their own

blow up a few Arabs and grab the god bestowed land --ho, ho, ho says their Santa...

the theory of nothing

rattles around the sleepless night

awake with a glowing christmas tree

hazlenut coffee

a sleeping Husky

a nice scene

comforting

M. laying on the couch snoring a little now and then

cnn discussing the greenhouse effect

hearing about the rising anger of the poorer countries

that are going to suffer for our largesse

hard to argue with the idea that america russia china and canada

have set into motion a geographical catastrophe

that we will pay for

when the storms and floods come

we will send in our soldiers and relief

do what we can

send out our prayers

emote

tell ourselves our healing energies will help the starving

the actual fact that the people who are responsible

for pushing oil on people

are going to make us pay for their sins'

with our entire planet

chokes me with the old fucking injustice....

injustice.

the vile face of the demonic

when the CIA got in bed with Exxon the gates of hell opened a bit

I can  feel the heat

we are not going to get a solution

 out of the ruling powers

 in any of the large countires

the movement could use interlocking green political parties that agree to press certain issues

a movement that creates Justice

to fight the packs of corporate lawyers who fight it tooth and nail

reactionaries to the reactionaries

we were lured out of the jungle

into the fields

to hunt

where there were no trees

no where to climb

away from the charging jaguars

who would bat our spears and clubs aside

show us just who was the top predator on the plane

we forgot us much in our cities

see the big cats only in zoos

slaves to our curiousity

we won the war

the face of the world

is pathetic

apathy

apathy

no money to attend no protestors

give to a cause

can't risk the job asking for a union

I can't see through the snow storm outside

seems the entire world is gone

the tv just a cheap lie about some other place that I do not inhabit

with news I don't  need to know

opinions that offend me

I can't listen to the right wing pundits

actors pretending they have ethical positions

instead of just propaganda agendas

gotta please that right wing boss at fox

by slamming those liberals

gotta shape the usa mind

gotta pretend

they have the proper spin

they offer a mythic 'other' for the real news i suppose

people prefer as much

like the Limbaugh people who are just happy to have

someone to think for them

to give them a way to live

that frees them to hate

be selfish

racist

sneaky

to take their orders from republican politicians

reading those talking points like they were the news

the prophets are cloaked

by their mundane appearance

obscurity

the terrific loneliness of thinking out alone

where no one else has quite been before

speculating on every religion

in my mad run for glory

for forgiveness

for a way of living that was better than the one I had

when my spaceship crashed

I was surprised just to be alive

my memories muddled

when I split my head open

on the side of a mountain

i try to remember who I was out there?

the images offer me no narrative

... just the same old chaos

all I seem to be able to make sense of is a future self

far from now

who will still wonder

who were we these humans

that tore so boldly across this planet

these warrior poets

who prided themselves on being a bit more than they really were?

Did they remember to live hard enough to make this journey worth it?

Have enough fun to suffer the scars?

Keep their youth until the end of our years

a secret between ourselves and a few friends?

grace the revered Jackson says

Grace Before Thanks

I don't get Christmas Cards from people who I got out of prison

Grace

in a world loaded for fucking bear

an inner strength that says you can take anything

have to

that's your job

to live

just to live

that fire of faith burns in every christmas light we pass on the highway

spews through bad seasonal movies

tonight was Santa Verses The Martians

watching the low to no budget movie is

my response to the chaos on tv

the health care debacles

our poor president doing his damnedest

to do more than any other president ever has

problem comes when we find out we can no longer rely

on consumer spending to run the engine of this economy

more people/less resources/

simple bad old math of the population explosion

we hear less and less about this since AIDS came around

changes that dire prediction

the mystery disease that solved what was then thought to be the coming end of life'

as  we know it... a soyent green world

a disease that killed junkies and gays

sexual radicals and huge swaths of the African population

hear a lot of rumbles about the disease being created

hard to believe

like 9-11

the false flag mission that started the war with the middle east

on a day that all the military pilots were on a massive training mission

no one shot down the terrorist planes

there was explosives involved in bringing down the towers

bam

bam

bam

they did it.

got their war.

hard core folk.

they thought nothing of torture, extraordinary rendition, horror prisons

murder

They plan on burying their sins in hidden in the spies files

they'll admit as much in a hundred years

preserve the republic and all that

the lesson still has to be learned

taught

so the children know how governments gear up populations to want a war

how they lie to get their way

how they cannot be trusted

how the media will go along with them for the most part

we will get beyond war

it will end

we have abandoned too many people in the past

the Afgani's once already

Iraq, too

Both places we've been playing war games with

we loved Saddam for awhile there

boy they killed him fast

I wish he could have lived on to write his story

what tales such a man could tell

he might have become a pillar for peace

or he might have been a lightening rod for revolution?

I want to forgive everyone and pray for as much at night

In the mornings sometimes as i wake up

my pleas as frantic as those for my own forgiveness

my sins are vague

at the moment

unrelated to my day to day

fought by simple crusades of trying just not to hate anyone

even the Taliban

then they do something that makes me feel the same old fires

I do not want to sentence women to live in such near slavery

they should fight for their rights

no religion that matters would keep women out of school

true Muslims know as much

there are too many paths up the mountain

people take the ones that are easiest to follow

they fear going off on their own'\

out into the forests

where they might just run into a mystical beast

playing a beat

all

their own

polemics of comedy and strife and poetry

the blogging of a life

the exacting of an audience

without having to live by the publishers

tastes

the market's chant of

'write a spy book, romance, something about vampires....

sell sell sell what the hell'

don dellilo's writer wrote porn for children to read about each other

had the market covered for awhile

now we have the twilight series

there is enough room in the universe for all the words we will ever tell

I suppose

if they are worth something to someone ....

even if it is just igniting a few crotch fires in fourteen year old girls

I fear they will burn up

die out with us

we'll send something out into space about ourselves

maybe even a few fragile survivors

aliens could show up and help us out

mystic me

I think that the body

is a very boring way to travel

who needs it?

Give me a spirit to fly around space with,

please,

because it is quite large....

buddha I will have to come back I suppose

unless the dreams of fire and lightening call me to act in the name of God

create an apocalypse on the shores of Lake Michigan

the final burning off of the chaf

an ark of souls

embarking for the face of God

prodigal children returning from the big bang

act dammit man act

rage into their lying faces

sue the news for lying to you

for false advertising about fairness....

in the paranoid world of the right wing

they see my drifts toward socialism

as the beginning of lining up the greenhouse deniers and getting rid of their gene pools first

more taxes they advertise as they talk about defeating health care

oh, don't make us pay more taxes they say.

Everyone wants universal healthcare except the healthcare companies who will be reigned in for once

The reality of politics

i wrote the other day that Obama is Cheney in black face.

I didn't really mean it... just thought it was kind of funny

he inherited a war and an economy that is fighting his every reform

I still wear my elect Obama hat

though with my long hair flying everywhere

 I can tell some look at me as slightly mad

long hair does that to some people

oh well

no false advertising there

more than you can ever appear

oh man

take comfort

where you can

THE EMPORER WANTS COLORADO

This is all the mysterious black clad gunman said when he tried to get into the governor's office, and was summarily shot down dead.

I heard nothing else about this.  I knew I had inspired him to this act, or that he had given his life to communicate with me through the media.  I had made a big deal about Colorado, after writing about my best friend from childhood, who listened to John Denver's Rocky Mountain High all the time.  This was a couple years ago.

I will grieve forever for such people.  They died in war.  In the service of mankind.  What they achieved may be questionable to a lot of people.   Only the future can tell us what has truly been happening here.  The future  will tell us whether we have lived for liberty and the preservation of the will of God, or a stupid delusion, stirred up by a confused poetry.

The origins of my campaign, however haphazard, have relied on the inspiration of God.  I have had to serve him before my own needs.

So much of what has been done in my name was not my intent.  I have ended up being an Agent Provecuter, drawing out the radicals into the cross-hatch of their enemies in the state.  One guy I suspect lost his tv show, and never got to air his Union Hamsters episode...  a reference to my hamster army and union support that has been repressed, along with so much about me.  I can understand why they would not want me playing with the fire of the Lord...  they will get burned eventually.  Problem is that I have no choice;  I am as locked in by the plans of the Father as any other entity.

My attempts to gain influence in this world produced one of the most bloody political births in the history of this country.   I brought together violent prone people and said use your energy to earn your redemption.  I offered my open arms to my worst enemies, forgave even Satan as the last days tick away.   My name is used in so many ways that I do know who you think you know as the Christ...  I only know me.  The challenge God has given me is to be honest with humankind, to leave behind the thrones and gold that buy the fleeting glory of the flesh, to lead you past the golden cows, and show you the unseen...  a Christ who is just a cog in God's plan, a man who is embarrassed by all the superstitious myths that swirl around me, the unintended dust that rises from my footsteps and obscures my path.

update on my thinking about my political situation

I have been going over and over the mental terrain that I have traveled in the last few years.  Wondering how and why and when until my brain finally shuts down in exhausted sleep.  I have never been the happiest person in the room, though I have occasionally put on a good front.  I can look back over my life and see a lot of times when depression won.  I was still young enough to think that there were saviors in psychiatry, religion, art, love.  Self help groups kept showing me that I alone have the ability to change how I feel, not some 'other.'   For awhile I became fairly good at making myself happy.  I worked out all the time, wrote with a mad fever, filled with a dream that one day I would be noticed, and all that shit one wants...   Now, I feel like that was a selfish period in my life.  A lot of things have conspired to force me to turn inward.

Mostly my own pain.  First emotional, and now physical.  It is hard to concentrate on things outside oneself when your own body is betraying you.  I have somewhat accepted all of this now...  and really felt I was on my way to finding my voice, and my following, before the events surrounding the radio show, and my horrid infamy, derailed my vision of the future.  I figured once I had the time to write and started producing massive amounts of words, that I would find myself a big agent and take my place, however small or large.  Now, after learning that I am pretty much going to be punished forever for daring to be the lightening rod that drove the mad events from 2007 to.... well, I suppose some would say I am still behind some mischief.  When I hear my words echoed -- criticized, actually -- by no less an icon than Mayor Daly, I realize that I am still being read by a group of radicals who are hoping that I will come out of my cave and protest.

My problem now is that I have said things during the 'bugged' period that are far, far from what I believe.  The pain, the mental hell, the disconnect from the world, the craziness of being shown a bit of the undergroud world...  I was never more overwhelmed in my entire life.

As an aside to this wonderful naval gazing, last night I pondered again why I was shown certain films during this campaign.   One in particular was very odd.  I was watching something on tv about Nazi's, and they were showing the holocaust, when suddenly Hitler's face appeared, and a calm voice saying, "This was not my vision."   I cannot remember much more of it.  It stands out because apologists for Hitler are not exactly something you see on us tv.  This probably harkens back to a poem I wrote asking if people were still nazi, and still white?  I was trying to say, get over it...  come into the fold of humanity, and accept everyone.  Other people took my words how they would.  I have no control over what people do with my words.  I would have, had they not isolated me into the illusionary prison that surrounds me.

Can you imagine my situation?  Here I am a writer, who considers himself disconnected from society, just some boof writing crazy humor mostly to amuse myself, and suddenly I find myself writing revolutionary poetry, and spinning a war of the worlds scenario that took certain parts of the world by storm.  I had no idea any of that was inside of me.  The Jesus voice is whole nother story, in a way.... though i can think of few ways to destroy the credibility and thinking of a person than to brainwash them into thinking they are a deity.

I was so convinced of this thought that I was willing to die for my beliefs.  A lot of people followed me up that walk to calvary, some to mourn and others to throw stones.  People who are not in the loop on this are never going to believe me...  pretty much stealing any thunder that may be rumbling around in my work.

I have done about everything I can to make peace with the forces that feel I am their enemy.  Other than political differences, I find common ground with most people.  Politics is certainly not everything.  I thought they were for awhile...

between all you were and all u want to be

stands a shadowed reaper
calm and complacently  awaiting introduction

the sword that smites the mortal coil
can b seen coming a mile away
or b on us in an instant

stinging bees go out in a blaze of  glory
kamikaze's
they attack knowing they will not return from battle
or get tricked by their genes and only learn their awful fate when is too late to reconsider

we live too long for some
too short for others

distracted and disappointed and somehow
in a pinch
always forever ready to get started again

what evidence have we anyone ever lived on...
some see it already
for others there will never be enough evidence
is the universe half full or half empty

chronic resistance

there is no turning back
i am here
no one escapes from this vision




you know who i am
do you know what i capable of


soon you will find out


i am sick of this obscurity
sick of people thinking i am at fault
sick of people thinking i made a decision


the world is owed the truth
you should think long and hard about who your silence is  protecting


what i want is unimportant
i cannot change what has happened or what will


i am nothing in this infinite expanse


just another traveler too lost in his thoughts to notice the road

seth mcfarlene and pain

You will find my comedy toward the back of my blog http://theelvesattic.blogspot.com, or

READING THIS A COUPLE DAYS LATER.... now, I feel like i am way too hard on Seth McFarlane.  I just feel like he is more talented and funny than these shows are proving to be.  Maybe three shows is too much for him?   Or he is still learning to use a writing staff, since he can hardly be making up all the shit for three shows?   Who knows.  I went to see them live and loved the show, and have laughed my ass off at various episodes and expect to laugh my ass off again at Mcfarlane's shit.  I just think someone needs to tell him this last season, among so many other bright spots in his career, was a little dim.  So, that said...  I am going to ramble a bit more...

first off...  To be honest, let me write down my history with family guy and american dad, who helped me at first in my poltical campaign, using the themes from my blogs for their shows, after i offered them  TO Hollywood free... to help along the revolution of ethics as much as anything else.

My history with Seth includes that one episode about disability dan, drinking strawberry coors, and talking about --of all the cliche conspiracy crap, who killed Kennedy... which was the same episode where Roger, the alien, learned that he was not the decider of man's fate, merely a crash test dummy trying out a new ship.  This from a show that when I first started writing about Jesus, used my blog to base their Jesus on.  They used the X thing I started with my campaign poem, Captor Factor X.  One night they showed me a film of all these people who had tattooed elaborate X/s on the backs of their necks.  I was very proud to have helped popularize the idea that we must shed our old identities, the racist, reaction ways of the past...  become a human race, not a planet of various races...   They had their Jesus teach the son to do this, and other things.  They were funny, too.   After I wrote about Clinton getting sleeping with a guy in England (totally made up, mind you), and his penchant for pussy talk, they had Clinton sleep with Peter, the main character on Family Guy, as well as wife.  Funny episode.

Roger tries to get his feeling of power back, that he lost when he learned he was a crash test dummy, and not the being who was going to decide the humans fate...   well, he ended up killing stan, the cia agent.... The CIA....  who I support in my weird way, believing even when they were ordered to torture, that they were just being soldiers.  They are only as good as as the generals, and to the CIA that means the presidents office for the trickiest stuff, and the house and senate intelligence committees on the shit they are not embarrassed by and can allow to be less than whatever clever moniker they put in front of  Top Secret to say it is a really, really, really Secret Top Secret...  Bush and Cheney thought they had to be brutal mother fuckers in the name of liberty.  They thought it would help, more than likely... who knows?  MAYBE the military industrial complex is creating and encouraging war like thought to sell products?  I have no evidence, so I have to assume that this war, if planned, was about taking control, perhaps, of some of the last remaining huge deposits of oil on the planet... or was what they said, an attempt to fight terrorists.  The western hating schools filling the middle east are alarming, no doubt about it....  we aren't that bad in america at all.

  Have to keep that american industry rolling, can't be hostages to gas prices... better to invade, force this other countries to get in line with the oil companies... the bush family is oil.  THEY were their constituents.

I mean, I am afraid to even venture an opinion about 9-11.  Looks like an inside job to me, the answer to a right wing prayer for something to stir up the public enough to accept america using it's big old army to take down the rising fanatics in the middle east.  We have a right to fear fundamentalism.  Our rights have come only hard fought in america, for women, minorities, liberty, the freedom of press, environmentally, etc...  No one here is going to allow the government to take on some fucked up, primordial, uneducated way of looking at the world and force it on everyone.

The Taliban was as much a reaction to the lawlessness in Afhganistan, and the drug dealing we left behind after the CIA encouraged them to grow opium to buy arms and fund their army, as anything else.  The dropped Opium production to 0.  While we were there, we encouraged them  to get the Russians addicted, and more than likely used our planes to keep the opium money flowing to the AL Queda guys back when we worked together (Charlie Wilson was a drug dealer  --  I did not see the Tom Hanks film, but I bet they stayed off this topic;  I will never forget when the ad campaign for that came on, as I was waging my own private war against the intrusion of the government, and thinking a lot about secrecy after being told not to write about this, and the voice in the ad said, "We are going to keep this war a secret."

That chilled my bones.  i was still thinking back then that any day now, the veil of secrecy would be lifted, and I would be able to honestly discuss what happened to me with people who were in on it at the time...  these words proved too true though -- at least in my physical environment;  I am sure in other cities, they know more than me.  I am stuck in the midst of a city that tries to keep me an open secret.

http://thereligiouspsychokillersshitlist.blogspot.com

Google John Scott Ridgway for other works.

SHAMING THE SUN

The indigo girls album by this name came alive for me in the first few months of Waking up to being this creature, and realizing that I was certainly not what one would expect in a Christ, I began to understand how other people, who were aware of me must have been quite puzzled by my behavior.    The songs on this record called directly out to me in my taxicab, telling me that I needed to wake up and take my place in the world.  There is a song, Don't Give That Girl A Gun that spoke to me.  On my desk different days were cd's to play.  Oddly enough, among the few things we noticed about their breakins were the changing of cups from red to black and back.

I was shamed by the words... felt like I had to wake up NOW...  that others were waiting and the time was short.  Man or God, my mind was being used and is used, to decipher the ways of a God and forge some kind of ethical path that takes into account what has been revealed in science, rather than playing the 'cleric as God themselves' with their  denials of science -- really, who are they to deny science?   I distrust clerics who have no room in their cosmology for basic, mathematically proven theories.

Everyone reaches this point in their existence;   we have to own up to living in a society, realize that our actions have real consequences;  some ignore it, others suppress it, a few blow their brains out . . . waste out on drugs that trap them in emotional worlds where their existences becomes all about controlling how they feel....  they turn away from engaging with the macro-world and wrap themselves into whatever mode of luxury they can access with their income.  In my way I did this, too.  Mostly I spent my adulthood in school.   Left off any political action by my early twenties, when I began to feel like the swing to the right was unstoppable, and I was alone in this forest of right wing, hypocritical lies, and others who were just plain criminal -- believer's that the only thing that moves in the world is money....  I gave up on this countries politics, a victim of declaring the masses deluded as I sat alone with my stunning disbelief in the age of Reagen, who was a war criminal and a shyster and a shill for a bunch of billionaires, convinced me that I was surrounded mostly by crazy people.

To some, it must have looked like I gave up. I retreated into my own mind, trying to figure this world out, taking nothing much on faith at all.  The year after year of classes taken for my obscure agenda of becoming educated enough to have something other than my own emotions to write about (isn't that where all poets start and most, those who don't become poets, stop?) .   There is an insanity in supporting a president who had death squads roaming across south america, instilling hatreds for the states that rages to this day in the leftest's below the boarder...   mor3e like movie star worship than political respect -- ronald reagen played a great president, even if he was not one at all...   they talk of putting him on Mount Rushmore (causing me to research how to make bombs on the internet, knowing there is no better way to end a life than blowing that smirking face off the side of a fucking mountain).  They are currently just making statues of him, even as his economics are blowing up in the worlds face  like an unexpected, unwanted, golden shower from a bum on the subway....   -- he made of God out of the Markets, said this Market would decide who became billionaires and paupers.  The Market is no God.  The market Reagen brought us stole the money of the poor, syphered it up to the top 1%  -- real wages are down for the working class, while they make money hand over fist, money that is taken from the mouths of the many.

Religion and politics began to seem like distractions to me.  Politics i had figured out -- a big scam, talked big and did little.  Even the democrats were sounding like republicans to me.  The preachers either seemed absurd, like on tv, or sincere men who were passing out a form of opiate and care that was touching, though ultimately unenlightened if you went too far with the whole is there or is there not a god and angels and heaven and hell and all that shit that just sounds like so much made up bullshit, the crosses and mosques and temples seemed always like just the  left over guesses of primitive man.  Clubs and cultures with self-sustaining hierarchies.

From the outside it must have looked like I was fucking around, next to the duties of someone like a Christ.  Certainly I would have behaved differently had I known anything about my background.  I know because I am different now than I was before this knowledge, obviously.   The last time this happened to me, I  became awake in the desert, where I realized the power that could be mine should I seek it, and I realized this was the danger of the flesh, making too much of it...  in the immortal landscape of time, this flick of life is nothing.

I became this thing and wanted it documented on some level.  To show the world humility.  Fragility.  Kindness and rage.  When I first started showing myself, they displayed me on the tv's and computers, and I knew that if this Christ was real, then he had shown up within me to show the horrid and the beautiful...   I still don't know what to believe about what I said.  Still...  I have seen enough that I have to take others belief seriously, even if my own comes and goes.

"There's something happening here
what it is ain't exactly clear."

Buffalo Springfield

The story of my life.
I won  a t-shirt saying this lyric at the Rockettes Christmas Show, of all places.  Obviously, we got free tickets.   Fun, though not something i would have chosen.  I guess I am glad I went, just for the dirty old man thrill of seeing those gorgeous women dancing in scanty clothes, doing kicks in their short red skirts... showing  enough camel toes for an entire herd.

I truly am going to find a way to freedom...

common ground

My use of this phrase very early on in my appearance before the world, as well as the Thomas Paine connection to the phrase 'common sense,' makes me particularly aware of the use of the terms in the media.  One I saw was John Cusack in The Red Eye, where he said that Common Ground meant admitting that you were mortal, 'at least on screen.'

Cusack, being from Chicago, and having done a film called The Martian Child, and now starring in one about the Apocolypse, tells me he is in my camp, or being used to contact me.  The media is the only place my followers have, because of the black out of information they enforce on me in my prison of silence.


  I took this to mean that they wanted me to give up the Christ persona, go back to being a radical writer, talking to the world about my 'performance' as if I were an actor on an internet show.  I was this and much more, so writing an entry in here disavowing anything mystical about my  experience would be a lie of the sort I refuse to tell  --  I will never say that this did not happen to me, because it did. . .  and to do so would be denigrating those who have sacrificed much for this cause.  I told you I would leave no soldiers behind. What you have done  is righteous.  Sacrificing to change your country, and the world... is something we all must learn to do.  Especially in countries that have been, traditionally, more of a problem in the world than a solution.  I include in this the huge polluters, as well as the political meddlers that tried to make the world safe for capitalism, and damn the human consequences.

  I know how crazy this sounds.   After seeing the media basically taken over to make this total war for total peace campaign work, I very clearly understand that whatever is happening around me, involves people having to pretend they do not know about this.  They showed me in small ways, mostly by walking with a limp... because of Pain.  Bush did this, the pope too, and others... mind blowing.  Even my first lawyer when they drove me to madness and I punched a computer, instead of a doctor  ( I still owe him an ass kicking...  I'll let the spirits have him... they don't like people who fuck with me...  think about that... they exact revenge even as I try to make forgiveness fill my chest...  look at those who used and betrayed me -- I took their stock market to 1400, then they stole from me, and I sent it plunging down to 800...  this was a reaction to my radically being activated as a leftist radical.... after tricking them into thinking I was right wing.  As Counting Crows sang of me, "The man who shook em all down, built em up just to bring em down'  This is a paraphrase, they wrote it nicer..



In the United States, a line needed to be drawn in the sand.  The people who were stealing elections had to be shown that the population would only accept so much before picking up guns.  They need to know this, these politicians.  Better symbolic guns than none at all, as we will have here in the court system, as well as the court of public opinion -- which is driven by the media in both the best of ways and worse (and manipulated by Fox and other places)

People needed to learn their power.  Remember their Roar.  The disaffected politically were those who were getting screwed the most.  Big surprise.  Just the way it has always happened -- dump the blind kid and the hair lip into orphanages, drown or abort the girls...  we live in one cruel ass world.  Power is in the hands of egomaniac's surrounded by syncophents, the wealthiest people in the country become politician, they range from super rich to twice as rich as most people, and either way they represent their class and the class they join just by the trappings of raising money, etc...  Unless the politicians are servants of what their populations want, they are enemies of the people.  Simple as that.  Like Leiberman, who changes his spots for anyone who gives him a pile of money;  takes millions from the insurance companies, then ends  up being the one Democrat who is against a public option in health care, even though 65% of his states constituents (at least) want this.   It does not take much math or logic or ethic to understand something is very, very wrong with this picture.

I grew up very politicized, then life got in the way.  Drinking mostly.  Until I could defeat that demon, nothing good was going to happen in my life.  I mean, I allow myself a drink now if I want one, but I never do, and having never liked the taste of anything with alcohol in it, after all these years of not drinking at all, I gag at the taste of the stuff.  I still have some romantic notion about getting actually drunk again sometime, but I haven't in at least nine years.  Years of sitting in AA confronting the ass I was sometimes while I was drinking, and knowing how deadly that drug can be, keeps me on alert about drink though.  I would never allow myself to start hanging out at bars, and avoid drinking events like the plague.  If I do it again, it will be like doing mushrooms or something -- a trip onto itself.  I had a lot of fun drinking.  The first time I took the stuff, I felt almost completed.  I could not believe that I would feel that good.   I felt better than I ever had in my life when I was drunk -- back then;  happiness is not something you can expect all the time if you drink a lot, more a relieving of the pain...

Sorry to digress...  As I was walking the dog this morning, through yellow and red fall leaves and a warm sun,  I tried once more to put myself in the place of the people who know about me, and the questions that they must have.  My Johnny Pain persona feels like no one cares about him at all, and that is my normal state, but we all know better, don't we?  Anyways...  I was wondering what I would want to know from Jesus, and decided to do an interview between Johnny Pain and Jesus.

Before that I want to make clear that I am still there for you, and we still have places to go, and people to free... I will never allow them to shut me up.  You have not suffered in vain.  They cannot defeat us.  God and prophesy and your own heart prove as much.  Trust in the Father.

 I fought to keep people out of jail who were involved.  Fought for the communists who were targeted by the government -- though I had asked for allies like the Marines, as well, and pretty much was trying to open my door to anyone who wanted to take a shot at salvation....

I merely used the term Common Ground in the poem because that was the name of a new coffee shop that was opening up, and I was going to start doing a reading there.  Of course I loved the poetic and historical meanings of the term, as well.  Anyways, immediately the term was everywhere.  In the poem, I say that there is going to be a battle, and that I know in the end we will meet on common ground, whether that will be a negotiating table or a cemetery.




I saw that cusack quote in the Redeye... by the way, which I have to write about sooner or later, since they put a lot of messages about me on their cover.  When I started Waking Up Jesus, their headline was Total Recall... another time...

announcing once, when I was sure M. was an agent too, that I was on a booty call...  a woman saw me, quite attractive, and looked like she had won the lottery... came into the store where I was and actually kept her arms out wide, as if to ward off other women from getting to me...  When I merely went ahead with my purchase and ignored her,  she was afraid to talk to me.  Just stood there.


This entry is all over the place.  I just want you to know...  among the many thoughts taking place in my mind as I learn to deal with this new state of being, and the responsibility of sitting at my Father's right hand, every day there is a grieving for those who died, whether they were slain by my forces, or theirs...  I was never really let in on the plans that went into this, was unprepared for what they did to me, not to mention leading this church...  they should know by now that the best way to allow my influence is with good intelligence, but they seek to keep me ignorant of the powers I wield.  They know them well.  One day I went down to the lakeshore, pissed off as hell,  telling them to get ready for my war...  I cut symbols into my feet and hands and pretended I had the power to call destruction down on Chicago...  They set off the tornado alarms...  amazing me.

Funny....  I came into this entry looking for a way to give you direction...  and I have probably done just the opposite.

shark attack

Time to take Lieberman down.  This asshole took a million dollars from the health care industry.  His wife got a great job from them... this after years of claiming he wanted a public option

He is worse than a republican.  He needs to be taken down hard.  Co-ordinate the forces to get him out of office... or...








Google John Scott Ridgway for other works.

debts

we live in debts
while they foreclose on our homes
bought and sold out by banks
credit cards and pay day loans
legal loan sharks
guys taking advantage of a loophole in that Law
making good money
off dreams instilled since birth
---own property and you have made it is the american dream
they're finding out now they were only serfs on the masters land
a bargaining chip in the game of Stocks and Bonds

buy a patch of the earth
and they thought the price of property was always going to go up...
another crashed american dream
words alone drive worth
food and sex and warm shelter
are the real currency
the further you get away from the bare bone facts of nature
the denser your folly

I remember a time when a King was judged by how well He served His People

now the leaders have to hide what they are doing or risk revolt
lie the people into war and consider it good strategy
consider themselves the mythical 300 Spartan's
defying a diminished God
and Fighting the Persians tens of thousands

politico's shilling for business interests
keeping justice in the hands of the elite
keeping the agendas of the government intent on pleasing its master

millions of american's tossed out of their houses
by a shell game played by loan sharks
they said the land was worth more than it was
to buy and sell it back and forth at a profit
seen this before with the savings and loan
they repackaged the scam
and they are getting away with it and will do it again
just watch
whether it remains lawful or not is a matter their lawyers take care of

the stock market proves a scam again

Goldman and Sachs profits from the collapse they caused
with high speed trading designed to milk the cows
get rewarded by sending people to the White House
arsonists dressed up as firefighters makes as much sense
set that fire and get some overtime for fighting them flames
get a medal
on tv
good seats at the tables


how far does the truth of what is happening have to play out
before no one will play along with their games anymore?
is there a saturation point for rage that will explode and spread?
or have we long lost the ability to win this little war
the battles all fought before we even noticed the conflict
our passions the realms of medicated away memories of a 'certain madness.'

the drug companies are driving people mad with seroquel
as sales reach into the billions for their insanity inducing drug
i hear stories every day of these drugs causing horrific crimes
Royko's son just went to jail and blamed the med's for trying to rob a bank
I believe him
another girl in the suburbs was on them
and drove into a car of local musicians
at eighty miles an hour
trying to kill herself and slaying only them...
now she goes to trials of others she knows who are on these drugs
and murder

makes me wonder if there is some higher mind behind politics
forces that no one is allowed to vote on?
who decided to let us be driven mad by these drugs?
sickos doing social planning
heartlessly cutting out the dissent?
who is sick enough to just not care about this shit?
who is paid enough to turn away?

so now they have drugs that can drive people crazy
they slipped me this stuff in leui of the mild anti depressant my old doctor had me on

I was awake for days/losing it on this stuff
now we hear they are using this shit on everyone in the nursing homes
drugging them down into a psychotic haze/actually driving the sane crazy
because someone raises their voice in an argument-- loose webs that can snatch any of them

I look at what is going on in God's earth and know that I am a slayer

yesterday I got all pissed off and told M that we should just fucking kill off everyone
in the senate and congress
start over with people with no vested interests in the status quo
with destroyers who are not afraid to act against the interests of the lobbyists

bloody, senseless dreams of democracy
of Unions rising again
cleansed of the mob and the selfish

dreams of the roar flowing from the throats of every oppressed human on this planet
followed by the death screams of their masters

can one political party begin to creep across the world
tying the Greens together
silently amassing power until finally a new voice will have to be reckoned with
a voice that can shout down the industrialists/drug/insurance/credit fucks

bring free expression to the hovels of the extremists
waging war against the present  with  their primitive laws
as they holdout in their Holy Lies

There is no one religion that has all this shit right...
how could there be?
There is more going on in the universe
the realm of the soul
than man could conceive

where is the sense in the waves of wonder
the pits of the putrid

a tribe of souls gathered on a planet

spinning through life cycles on earth

living in flesh for a few years

a temporary state

that keeps sucking us back into birth

as the population grows and grows

or

maybe man just too arrogant to admit their pettiness
in the overwhelming expanse of space

The secrets I carry around with me keep everyone I meet at a distance.  Some know of my existence, some don't.  I do not look around to see if someone is following me.  The oddity of being this being, and living in a neighborhood like before I had this knowledge, is perhaps the most difficult mental hurdle.

Why is this done to me?  What is gained by pretending that I do not exist?  That I am a madman, from outer space, an actor, a revolutionary, a spy, an idiot with more passion than logic . . .  for that matter a unicorn, a serial killer, a meth head, gay, diseased, homophobic, anti-semitic, anti-white, anti-Arab, anti-communist, anti-democracy...  I am always surprised that I am not considered the anti-christ by some people. I guess if i were, I would have accepted rule over the world when it was offered?

I think of the different media portraits I see drawn from my experiences.  Bolt, about a dog who was a superhero who did not know that he was in a tv show was one of the first.  THIS  was interesting.  I guess they wanted to convince people who knew about me, when I surfaced after all these years and started reeking havoc all across the planet  --- the angel exposed, the secret of the cults and intelligence agencies on display -- the most dangerous creature to walk the planet, here and now, alive...  and carefully being contained, as he has since his birth was prophesied and revealed, and all their wishes for a divine sign came to fruition when the child began to grow wings...

Other shows give me glimpses of how I am looked at.  Considering how flattering my press was when all this began, I am sometimes surprised to see mostly criticism about what I have said and done....  With the exception of a lot of musicians and comedians.

I write to the different levels of understanding of my situation.  In voices that range from secular to out right Christ.  In this blog, particularly, i have to allow myself to talk to those who best understand my situation.


God did not give me the kind of messages that add up to a new psalms.  He simply tried to tell me what to tolerate, and what to despise.  I tried to write from the inspiration that was driving me, the imperative feeling that God was sending words through me.

During this time, my neglect of the world, in a way, and how i kept to myself even when offered to meet with people who I respect,   I was being carefully steered to think I was crazy.  I could see the distortion between what everyone around me was saying, and what was obvious from the connections of my writing with the events of the news, as well as most tv shows.  A revolution had been hatched, and i was somehow in the midst of it.  I did not know this was going to happen.  When it did, I tried to help make the world better...  even as i was losing my mind...  going manic, in horrible, untreated pain...  the kind messages of strangers kept me going.

i at least knew I was not alone.  I have the media to thank for that, comcaste especially.  Now my aloneness is obvious.  Now, i have allowed my enemies to perfect the walls of silence around me.  sometimes I fantasize about walking out of this obscure cave and discussing life and what happened in the last few years with people who I knew to be heavily involved.  John Stewart and Colbert and Moore and Goldberg and Silverstein and Obama would be a great round table.  A few beers and smokes with Shaun Penn, hearing about what he thinks of Chavez.  The dreams...  I actually avoid these kind of thoughts.  Bury them along with winning the lotto and crap like that which just taunts me with stupid dreams of what I would buy...  a waste of time that ends in frustration almost every time.

I have been thinking a lot about the next book.  I am afraid it is going to have to be more about my life.  I was going to try to use a plot to give the jesus voice a different venue, but now i understand that the truth is more interesting than any fiction I am ever going to make up.  I was born to tell this story.  It is huge, though... and can go a lot of different ways.  

i have been feeling pointless lately.  I have no motivation.  Some days I understand that my words are guiding more events than I can imagine.  Other moments it seems like nothing I have done means anything.  Like I am now deactivated.  No longer fighting any battles.  Conceeding defeat.

new orders

the time has come to protest every move on the parts of the enemy
to stop taking No for an answer from the politicians

I told them they were damned when I first woke up
I could see the horns of the whores
pay to play preachers of the new politics

where are you now

my name
is no longer my own

i have been photographed into a statue
dreamed into a God
worshiped and feared and scorned and driven

He is a servant of one who

chooses to send him over and over

to live the life of pain

the last meal for the ones who stole the holy corpse

a glass of blood for the congregation

They ate of his flesh

in the ways of the ancient religions he had led
as he made his way through humanity
doing his angelic part
in vampirec times

trying to use the words and myths of the times to contact the souls
buried in brutal flesh

remind them there is an end to the mission
that no  reward
has ever been so hard fought
or worthy


stoic soldier waiting for the coming moment
the prophesy proven by his very existence


a leader of  the followers of the father
against the usurpers of human kind
the scarred angels
their beauty burned away in our last battle
exposing demonic visages
horrors to the human eye


my time has arrived again
this time feels different
perhaps they all do...

life after life after life after life
head spinning waves of images imagined and real and remembered

The forever watched one
aware of their discreet
listening
wonderingdeciding
if the fire of the Christ
 has died down into the ambers
of a half-forgotten moment of madness?

ranter of war for the sake of justice
wanting to move his soldiers around the globe putting out the fires
responding as unarmed missionaries
boarder less political parties amassing votes across the globe

a world free where every political idea can be discussed
examined
for truth
and used and discarded as the people see fit

r we finally
giving up on the world
going home defeated
half-pissed for wasting time fighting a losing cause?

I was confident
for awhile
that something new had entered the earth with my presence


Believe
I am here now
this is the end of all you know

and the beginning of all you have dreamt of...

there will be no more pitchforks and fire
the threat of violence is known now

what am I supposed to tell you my children?


am I supposed to become a pope hidden under a long gown and a conical hat?

this i know...

The Flaming Sword of God
 gonna fall ...