If I Refuse To Rule This Earth... Who Will?

I was convinced by my own need to believe that people are good, and can rule themselves.  I was wrong to give away the rule of this world.

From the outside, I am sure it looked like absolute power corrupts absolutley.  Well, I think something else altogether would have happened if they were not attacking me like a baited bear....  that was my experience.  I needed to among advisors and others, so they kept me isolated.  Sure, I said keep my isolated, etc... when i thought it was meaningless to say so because I was already isolated....  I tried to let my tale consume and excrete whatever they threw at me...  using my fiction writers brain to change the story at will, add new twists and turns.

The pope later talked about coming to Christ through fiction, which I guess was either a reference to me or a reference to harry potter, or both... no matter what he thought he meant.

I remember so well when this started, how I was filled with an immense love for everyone, and wanted to befriend the entire world... then, it seemed to me, I was rejected.   I know that most was kept hidden from me...  still, this is how it seemed to me.

I used to be surprised that people could not see how I was being fucked with.  The media folk I thought I was working with seemed to back me up, were always talking about what I did...  yet no one was actually helping me out, taking me from the cell of actors and agents who make up my neighborhood.   I know why they moved everyone out... so many old faces gone.  So many new ones.   It was like an exodus in 2007..  I would hear someone on tv saying DONT you notice, like the period when people made a phone call whenever I went into a shop.   I am never sure why they  did these things.  Were they trying to show me that I was being followed and filmed?   I had no fucking idea.  I could see everything that was happening, but I never felt in control enough to really do anything.


I certainly would have done things differently knowing what I know now...  maybe.  I guess as I remember it, I have to acknowledge that the people behind what happened to me, must be very different than me, since they hide their faces.   I figured if they have to hide from me, they cannot be on my side.

I guess there is a danger out there to whoever tries to help me.  And why should you?   I will go down in the secret history as a villian who helped out his masters enough to live.

The other side of this is project blue beam, which talks about using a christ figure to dupe the world.  This may be what has happened  to me.  I may be nothing more than a dream inserted in a writers mind.  Perhaps every word I have written in here means nothing more than the demise of my soul...

God I kept asking you to show me signs, all of my life... and when you finally did, I learn that humans could have inserted everyting into my mind that I thought was you.

I cannot start over...  can't undo what was done in my name.  I can tell you honestly only one thing --- this was not me doing these things, but a beaten and drugged prisoner, a baited bear as I have said.  Under the circumstances, you are lucky I did not just tell all my folks to burn down this entire fucking world.   I kept enough of my ethics to hate the death.

I am sorry folks, that I cannot be what you want me to be.   I will not abandon those who still know about all this, who probably crave, as i do, some honest words on this topic.  This blog must be like fresh water to the dying of thirst for some.

I am not saying that I am hanging up my halo... it is just that from the very beginning of all this, I have been very afraid of offending God.   I know that sounds laughable to a fundamentalist, but I prayed long and hard and tortured that if God was not behind what was happening to me, that He would stop it.   I turned against the churches, as much as I did, because I had to trust that if I am this thing, then its perceptions are such for a reason.

I believe that the life of the Christ would be carefully designed by God, watched over by Angels, worried over by demons.  When I looked at my past, it was rather amazing just how well I was prepared to do what I did...  if men chose me to play that role, they deserve a round of applause.  I can see how my metaphor could seem strong to people who do not know me.... in real life I am as much of an idiot as anyone, though a bit kinder than most humans...  though kinder people than me exist.

I am not in my usual writing mood today.  We just had an election here.  They remind me of all the shit I went through with Obama's election...  and praying that would mean an end of the isolation imposed on john scott ridgway.  That did not happen, and ever since...  well, I have gone back and forth on politics.   Now, the republicans have gained more control, after the dem's couldn't get anything done before.  Our system is fucked.  The rep s stopped over 100 dem initiatives with filibusters in the last two years... now they can just vote everything down.