between all you were and all u want to be

stands a shadowed reaper
calm and complacently  awaiting introduction

the sword that smites the mortal coil
can b seen coming a mile away
or b on us in an instant

stinging bees go out in a blaze of  glory
kamikaze's
they attack knowing they will not return from battle
or get tricked by their genes and only learn their awful fate when is too late to reconsider

we live too long for some
too short for others

distracted and disappointed and somehow
in a pinch
always forever ready to get started again

what evidence have we anyone ever lived on...
some see it already
for others there will never be enough evidence
is the universe half full or half empty

chronic resistance

there is no turning back
i am here
no one escapes from this vision




you know who i am
do you know what i capable of


soon you will find out


i am sick of this obscurity
sick of people thinking i am at fault
sick of people thinking i made a decision


the world is owed the truth
you should think long and hard about who your silence is  protecting


what i want is unimportant
i cannot change what has happened or what will


i am nothing in this infinite expanse


just another traveler too lost in his thoughts to notice the road

seth mcfarlene and pain

You will find my comedy toward the back of my blog http://theelvesattic.blogspot.com, or

READING THIS A COUPLE DAYS LATER.... now, I feel like i am way too hard on Seth McFarlane.  I just feel like he is more talented and funny than these shows are proving to be.  Maybe three shows is too much for him?   Or he is still learning to use a writing staff, since he can hardly be making up all the shit for three shows?   Who knows.  I went to see them live and loved the show, and have laughed my ass off at various episodes and expect to laugh my ass off again at Mcfarlane's shit.  I just think someone needs to tell him this last season, among so many other bright spots in his career, was a little dim.  So, that said...  I am going to ramble a bit more...

first off...  To be honest, let me write down my history with family guy and american dad, who helped me at first in my poltical campaign, using the themes from my blogs for their shows, after i offered them  TO Hollywood free... to help along the revolution of ethics as much as anything else.

My history with Seth includes that one episode about disability dan, drinking strawberry coors, and talking about --of all the cliche conspiracy crap, who killed Kennedy... which was the same episode where Roger, the alien, learned that he was not the decider of man's fate, merely a crash test dummy trying out a new ship.  This from a show that when I first started writing about Jesus, used my blog to base their Jesus on.  They used the X thing I started with my campaign poem, Captor Factor X.  One night they showed me a film of all these people who had tattooed elaborate X/s on the backs of their necks.  I was very proud to have helped popularize the idea that we must shed our old identities, the racist, reaction ways of the past...  become a human race, not a planet of various races...   They had their Jesus teach the son to do this, and other things.  They were funny, too.   After I wrote about Clinton getting sleeping with a guy in England (totally made up, mind you), and his penchant for pussy talk, they had Clinton sleep with Peter, the main character on Family Guy, as well as wife.  Funny episode.

Roger tries to get his feeling of power back, that he lost when he learned he was a crash test dummy, and not the being who was going to decide the humans fate...   well, he ended up killing stan, the cia agent.... The CIA....  who I support in my weird way, believing even when they were ordered to torture, that they were just being soldiers.  They are only as good as as the generals, and to the CIA that means the presidents office for the trickiest stuff, and the house and senate intelligence committees on the shit they are not embarrassed by and can allow to be less than whatever clever moniker they put in front of  Top Secret to say it is a really, really, really Secret Top Secret...  Bush and Cheney thought they had to be brutal mother fuckers in the name of liberty.  They thought it would help, more than likely... who knows?  MAYBE the military industrial complex is creating and encouraging war like thought to sell products?  I have no evidence, so I have to assume that this war, if planned, was about taking control, perhaps, of some of the last remaining huge deposits of oil on the planet... or was what they said, an attempt to fight terrorists.  The western hating schools filling the middle east are alarming, no doubt about it....  we aren't that bad in america at all.

  Have to keep that american industry rolling, can't be hostages to gas prices... better to invade, force this other countries to get in line with the oil companies... the bush family is oil.  THEY were their constituents.

I mean, I am afraid to even venture an opinion about 9-11.  Looks like an inside job to me, the answer to a right wing prayer for something to stir up the public enough to accept america using it's big old army to take down the rising fanatics in the middle east.  We have a right to fear fundamentalism.  Our rights have come only hard fought in america, for women, minorities, liberty, the freedom of press, environmentally, etc...  No one here is going to allow the government to take on some fucked up, primordial, uneducated way of looking at the world and force it on everyone.

The Taliban was as much a reaction to the lawlessness in Afhganistan, and the drug dealing we left behind after the CIA encouraged them to grow opium to buy arms and fund their army, as anything else.  The dropped Opium production to 0.  While we were there, we encouraged them  to get the Russians addicted, and more than likely used our planes to keep the opium money flowing to the AL Queda guys back when we worked together (Charlie Wilson was a drug dealer  --  I did not see the Tom Hanks film, but I bet they stayed off this topic;  I will never forget when the ad campaign for that came on, as I was waging my own private war against the intrusion of the government, and thinking a lot about secrecy after being told not to write about this, and the voice in the ad said, "We are going to keep this war a secret."

That chilled my bones.  i was still thinking back then that any day now, the veil of secrecy would be lifted, and I would be able to honestly discuss what happened to me with people who were in on it at the time...  these words proved too true though -- at least in my physical environment;  I am sure in other cities, they know more than me.  I am stuck in the midst of a city that tries to keep me an open secret.

http://thereligiouspsychokillersshitlist.blogspot.com

Google John Scott Ridgway for other works.

SHAMING THE SUN

The indigo girls album by this name came alive for me in the first few months of Waking up to being this creature, and realizing that I was certainly not what one would expect in a Christ, I began to understand how other people, who were aware of me must have been quite puzzled by my behavior.    The songs on this record called directly out to me in my taxicab, telling me that I needed to wake up and take my place in the world.  There is a song, Don't Give That Girl A Gun that spoke to me.  On my desk different days were cd's to play.  Oddly enough, among the few things we noticed about their breakins were the changing of cups from red to black and back.

I was shamed by the words... felt like I had to wake up NOW...  that others were waiting and the time was short.  Man or God, my mind was being used and is used, to decipher the ways of a God and forge some kind of ethical path that takes into account what has been revealed in science, rather than playing the 'cleric as God themselves' with their  denials of science -- really, who are they to deny science?   I distrust clerics who have no room in their cosmology for basic, mathematically proven theories.

Everyone reaches this point in their existence;   we have to own up to living in a society, realize that our actions have real consequences;  some ignore it, others suppress it, a few blow their brains out . . . waste out on drugs that trap them in emotional worlds where their existences becomes all about controlling how they feel....  they turn away from engaging with the macro-world and wrap themselves into whatever mode of luxury they can access with their income.  In my way I did this, too.  Mostly I spent my adulthood in school.   Left off any political action by my early twenties, when I began to feel like the swing to the right was unstoppable, and I was alone in this forest of right wing, hypocritical lies, and others who were just plain criminal -- believer's that the only thing that moves in the world is money....  I gave up on this countries politics, a victim of declaring the masses deluded as I sat alone with my stunning disbelief in the age of Reagen, who was a war criminal and a shyster and a shill for a bunch of billionaires, convinced me that I was surrounded mostly by crazy people.

To some, it must have looked like I gave up. I retreated into my own mind, trying to figure this world out, taking nothing much on faith at all.  The year after year of classes taken for my obscure agenda of becoming educated enough to have something other than my own emotions to write about (isn't that where all poets start and most, those who don't become poets, stop?) .   There is an insanity in supporting a president who had death squads roaming across south america, instilling hatreds for the states that rages to this day in the leftest's below the boarder...   mor3e like movie star worship than political respect -- ronald reagen played a great president, even if he was not one at all...   they talk of putting him on Mount Rushmore (causing me to research how to make bombs on the internet, knowing there is no better way to end a life than blowing that smirking face off the side of a fucking mountain).  They are currently just making statues of him, even as his economics are blowing up in the worlds face  like an unexpected, unwanted, golden shower from a bum on the subway....   -- he made of God out of the Markets, said this Market would decide who became billionaires and paupers.  The Market is no God.  The market Reagen brought us stole the money of the poor, syphered it up to the top 1%  -- real wages are down for the working class, while they make money hand over fist, money that is taken from the mouths of the many.

Religion and politics began to seem like distractions to me.  Politics i had figured out -- a big scam, talked big and did little.  Even the democrats were sounding like republicans to me.  The preachers either seemed absurd, like on tv, or sincere men who were passing out a form of opiate and care that was touching, though ultimately unenlightened if you went too far with the whole is there or is there not a god and angels and heaven and hell and all that shit that just sounds like so much made up bullshit, the crosses and mosques and temples seemed always like just the  left over guesses of primitive man.  Clubs and cultures with self-sustaining hierarchies.

From the outside it must have looked like I was fucking around, next to the duties of someone like a Christ.  Certainly I would have behaved differently had I known anything about my background.  I know because I am different now than I was before this knowledge, obviously.   The last time this happened to me, I  became awake in the desert, where I realized the power that could be mine should I seek it, and I realized this was the danger of the flesh, making too much of it...  in the immortal landscape of time, this flick of life is nothing.

I became this thing and wanted it documented on some level.  To show the world humility.  Fragility.  Kindness and rage.  When I first started showing myself, they displayed me on the tv's and computers, and I knew that if this Christ was real, then he had shown up within me to show the horrid and the beautiful...   I still don't know what to believe about what I said.  Still...  I have seen enough that I have to take others belief seriously, even if my own comes and goes.

"There's something happening here
what it is ain't exactly clear."

Buffalo Springfield

The story of my life.
I won  a t-shirt saying this lyric at the Rockettes Christmas Show, of all places.  Obviously, we got free tickets.   Fun, though not something i would have chosen.  I guess I am glad I went, just for the dirty old man thrill of seeing those gorgeous women dancing in scanty clothes, doing kicks in their short red skirts... showing  enough camel toes for an entire herd.

I truly am going to find a way to freedom...

common ground

My use of this phrase very early on in my appearance before the world, as well as the Thomas Paine connection to the phrase 'common sense,' makes me particularly aware of the use of the terms in the media.  One I saw was John Cusack in The Red Eye, where he said that Common Ground meant admitting that you were mortal, 'at least on screen.'

Cusack, being from Chicago, and having done a film called The Martian Child, and now starring in one about the Apocolypse, tells me he is in my camp, or being used to contact me.  The media is the only place my followers have, because of the black out of information they enforce on me in my prison of silence.


  I took this to mean that they wanted me to give up the Christ persona, go back to being a radical writer, talking to the world about my 'performance' as if I were an actor on an internet show.  I was this and much more, so writing an entry in here disavowing anything mystical about my  experience would be a lie of the sort I refuse to tell  --  I will never say that this did not happen to me, because it did. . .  and to do so would be denigrating those who have sacrificed much for this cause.  I told you I would leave no soldiers behind. What you have done  is righteous.  Sacrificing to change your country, and the world... is something we all must learn to do.  Especially in countries that have been, traditionally, more of a problem in the world than a solution.  I include in this the huge polluters, as well as the political meddlers that tried to make the world safe for capitalism, and damn the human consequences.

  I know how crazy this sounds.   After seeing the media basically taken over to make this total war for total peace campaign work, I very clearly understand that whatever is happening around me, involves people having to pretend they do not know about this.  They showed me in small ways, mostly by walking with a limp... because of Pain.  Bush did this, the pope too, and others... mind blowing.  Even my first lawyer when they drove me to madness and I punched a computer, instead of a doctor  ( I still owe him an ass kicking...  I'll let the spirits have him... they don't like people who fuck with me...  think about that... they exact revenge even as I try to make forgiveness fill my chest...  look at those who used and betrayed me -- I took their stock market to 1400, then they stole from me, and I sent it plunging down to 800...  this was a reaction to my radically being activated as a leftist radical.... after tricking them into thinking I was right wing.  As Counting Crows sang of me, "The man who shook em all down, built em up just to bring em down'  This is a paraphrase, they wrote it nicer..



In the United States, a line needed to be drawn in the sand.  The people who were stealing elections had to be shown that the population would only accept so much before picking up guns.  They need to know this, these politicians.  Better symbolic guns than none at all, as we will have here in the court system, as well as the court of public opinion -- which is driven by the media in both the best of ways and worse (and manipulated by Fox and other places)

People needed to learn their power.  Remember their Roar.  The disaffected politically were those who were getting screwed the most.  Big surprise.  Just the way it has always happened -- dump the blind kid and the hair lip into orphanages, drown or abort the girls...  we live in one cruel ass world.  Power is in the hands of egomaniac's surrounded by syncophents, the wealthiest people in the country become politician, they range from super rich to twice as rich as most people, and either way they represent their class and the class they join just by the trappings of raising money, etc...  Unless the politicians are servants of what their populations want, they are enemies of the people.  Simple as that.  Like Leiberman, who changes his spots for anyone who gives him a pile of money;  takes millions from the insurance companies, then ends  up being the one Democrat who is against a public option in health care, even though 65% of his states constituents (at least) want this.   It does not take much math or logic or ethic to understand something is very, very wrong with this picture.

I grew up very politicized, then life got in the way.  Drinking mostly.  Until I could defeat that demon, nothing good was going to happen in my life.  I mean, I allow myself a drink now if I want one, but I never do, and having never liked the taste of anything with alcohol in it, after all these years of not drinking at all, I gag at the taste of the stuff.  I still have some romantic notion about getting actually drunk again sometime, but I haven't in at least nine years.  Years of sitting in AA confronting the ass I was sometimes while I was drinking, and knowing how deadly that drug can be, keeps me on alert about drink though.  I would never allow myself to start hanging out at bars, and avoid drinking events like the plague.  If I do it again, it will be like doing mushrooms or something -- a trip onto itself.  I had a lot of fun drinking.  The first time I took the stuff, I felt almost completed.  I could not believe that I would feel that good.   I felt better than I ever had in my life when I was drunk -- back then;  happiness is not something you can expect all the time if you drink a lot, more a relieving of the pain...

Sorry to digress...  As I was walking the dog this morning, through yellow and red fall leaves and a warm sun,  I tried once more to put myself in the place of the people who know about me, and the questions that they must have.  My Johnny Pain persona feels like no one cares about him at all, and that is my normal state, but we all know better, don't we?  Anyways...  I was wondering what I would want to know from Jesus, and decided to do an interview between Johnny Pain and Jesus.

Before that I want to make clear that I am still there for you, and we still have places to go, and people to free... I will never allow them to shut me up.  You have not suffered in vain.  They cannot defeat us.  God and prophesy and your own heart prove as much.  Trust in the Father.

 I fought to keep people out of jail who were involved.  Fought for the communists who were targeted by the government -- though I had asked for allies like the Marines, as well, and pretty much was trying to open my door to anyone who wanted to take a shot at salvation....

I merely used the term Common Ground in the poem because that was the name of a new coffee shop that was opening up, and I was going to start doing a reading there.  Of course I loved the poetic and historical meanings of the term, as well.  Anyways, immediately the term was everywhere.  In the poem, I say that there is going to be a battle, and that I know in the end we will meet on common ground, whether that will be a negotiating table or a cemetery.




I saw that cusack quote in the Redeye... by the way, which I have to write about sooner or later, since they put a lot of messages about me on their cover.  When I started Waking Up Jesus, their headline was Total Recall... another time...

announcing once, when I was sure M. was an agent too, that I was on a booty call...  a woman saw me, quite attractive, and looked like she had won the lottery... came into the store where I was and actually kept her arms out wide, as if to ward off other women from getting to me...  When I merely went ahead with my purchase and ignored her,  she was afraid to talk to me.  Just stood there.


This entry is all over the place.  I just want you to know...  among the many thoughts taking place in my mind as I learn to deal with this new state of being, and the responsibility of sitting at my Father's right hand, every day there is a grieving for those who died, whether they were slain by my forces, or theirs...  I was never really let in on the plans that went into this, was unprepared for what they did to me, not to mention leading this church...  they should know by now that the best way to allow my influence is with good intelligence, but they seek to keep me ignorant of the powers I wield.  They know them well.  One day I went down to the lakeshore, pissed off as hell,  telling them to get ready for my war...  I cut symbols into my feet and hands and pretended I had the power to call destruction down on Chicago...  They set off the tornado alarms...  amazing me.

Funny....  I came into this entry looking for a way to give you direction...  and I have probably done just the opposite.