update on my thinking about my political situation

I have been going over and over the mental terrain that I have traveled in the last few years.  Wondering how and why and when until my brain finally shuts down in exhausted sleep.  I have never been the happiest person in the room, though I have occasionally put on a good front.  I can look back over my life and see a lot of times when depression won.  I was still young enough to think that there were saviors in psychiatry, religion, art, love.  Self help groups kept showing me that I alone have the ability to change how I feel, not some 'other.'   For awhile I became fairly good at making myself happy.  I worked out all the time, wrote with a mad fever, filled with a dream that one day I would be noticed, and all that shit one wants...   Now, I feel like that was a selfish period in my life.  A lot of things have conspired to force me to turn inward.

Mostly my own pain.  First emotional, and now physical.  It is hard to concentrate on things outside oneself when your own body is betraying you.  I have somewhat accepted all of this now...  and really felt I was on my way to finding my voice, and my following, before the events surrounding the radio show, and my horrid infamy, derailed my vision of the future.  I figured once I had the time to write and started producing massive amounts of words, that I would find myself a big agent and take my place, however small or large.  Now, after learning that I am pretty much going to be punished forever for daring to be the lightening rod that drove the mad events from 2007 to.... well, I suppose some would say I am still behind some mischief.  When I hear my words echoed -- criticized, actually -- by no less an icon than Mayor Daly, I realize that I am still being read by a group of radicals who are hoping that I will come out of my cave and protest.

My problem now is that I have said things during the 'bugged' period that are far, far from what I believe.  The pain, the mental hell, the disconnect from the world, the craziness of being shown a bit of the undergroud world...  I was never more overwhelmed in my entire life.

As an aside to this wonderful naval gazing, last night I pondered again why I was shown certain films during this campaign.   One in particular was very odd.  I was watching something on tv about Nazi's, and they were showing the holocaust, when suddenly Hitler's face appeared, and a calm voice saying, "This was not my vision."   I cannot remember much more of it.  It stands out because apologists for Hitler are not exactly something you see on us tv.  This probably harkens back to a poem I wrote asking if people were still nazi, and still white?  I was trying to say, get over it...  come into the fold of humanity, and accept everyone.  Other people took my words how they would.  I have no control over what people do with my words.  I would have, had they not isolated me into the illusionary prison that surrounds me.

Can you imagine my situation?  Here I am a writer, who considers himself disconnected from society, just some boof writing crazy humor mostly to amuse myself, and suddenly I find myself writing revolutionary poetry, and spinning a war of the worlds scenario that took certain parts of the world by storm.  I had no idea any of that was inside of me.  The Jesus voice is whole nother story, in a way.... though i can think of few ways to destroy the credibility and thinking of a person than to brainwash them into thinking they are a deity.

I was so convinced of this thought that I was willing to die for my beliefs.  A lot of people followed me up that walk to calvary, some to mourn and others to throw stones.  People who are not in the loop on this are never going to believe me...  pretty much stealing any thunder that may be rumbling around in my work.

I have done about everything I can to make peace with the forces that feel I am their enemy.  Other than political differences, I find common ground with most people.  Politics is certainly not everything.  I thought they were for awhile...